Take Comfort, God is in Control

Last Saturday, I've finally joined the Exalt Team. And as a new volunteer, I was there to watch, observe and learn. It's been awhile. It felt nice to be with fellow worshippers who share the same passion, talent, calling. I met new church mates- Eldan, Christian, Lemon, Nico, Yeye and Raf, Ivan and Ann- who has been so supportive and patient with me... and Chester(?) I think that was his name. The practice was great and I was starting to sing with them, although I try not to be loud. I don't know most of the songs, but they're catchy so, it was easy to follow. Everything was going well until I started crying! 😞

Just when I thought I'm done being a cry baby, I'm back at it. 😖 It's so embarrassing.

I remember in college, a classmate told me "you are so blessed, Aileen". Although I had no idea why she said that, I've always felt that way- favoured. Now, please don't think that my life was or is perfect. Far from it. Like everyone else, I have my ups and downs, triumphs and failures, heartaches and headaches, mistakes, losses, rejections and more rejections... name it, I had it. Despite the pains and struggles, I've always felt God's grace and presence. Until now.

They say it's easy to praise and thank God when we are on top of the world. I couldn't agree more. Maybe, this is why the Lord hasn't answered my prayers... the way I wanted Him to answer it.

No. Was His answer. I want to laugh but this isn't funny! God knew I wanted this job so badly and I got a Flat. Fat. Fortissimo. NO!!!

No to miracle healing for my dad or mom... No to a job that I thought could turn things for me. No to my plans. No to my dreams. Nothing is going my way!

"Why, God? Why?!"

Why didn't I get the job I want? Why is my dad sick with cancer? Why is my mom with Alzheimer's? Why do we have to move from our old house? Why am I stuck at home making breakfast, cleaning up, walking the dog, feeding the dog, washing the dog, cooking lunch, setting the table, cleaning the table, cleaning the kitchen, organizing the pantry, wash laundry, fold washed clothes, baking, taking out the garbage?... why am I in this rotten cycle?!

This is so unusual. This is so not me. This is so, NOT You, God!

I feel trapped. I feel hopeless. I feel unwanted. I feel useless. I feel worthless. I feel forgotten!

What is God trying to teach me?

When I got the email while waiting for the band to set up, my first thought was, "my credentials weren't good enough?!" then I haughtily told myself "their loss not mine!"... but pride starts to wriggle in desperation... self pity creeps in... by the time we were singing the last song, I was losing my grip of my emotions. I felt dejected, worthless.

The funny thing is... I didn't want that job, in the first place! I only applied because it was good money, because of the benefits and because I had to.

Yet, here I am, asking God "why?" The nerve, hey?!

As I type here in my bed with Oreo beside me, I can't help but ask myself "do I really want to work in those remote places?"... "do I want to leave my parents again? and Oreo?"... "what about my new church?"... "my ministry?" ... "what does God want from me?" Not that He needs anything from me, but it's been a long time since I've served Him. What if He wants me to stay and obey?...

So many questions... with no simple answer.

I do enjoy working in those beautiful remote places and I still want to explore Canada through work but what about my family?

Working in other town or city uproots you not just from your family but also from your church. The first thing I tried to look for when I moved to a new place were churches but with no luck and if I did find one, my schedule won't even allow it.

So, the question now is: What's my priority? What's important in my life right now?

This world has taught us that we should be in charge of our life. Take hold of our future. Direct our destiny. And that's how I've been living my whole life which is probably why, when I'm not in control, when I feel that I'm losing my grip on the steering wheel, I panic. I hate losing sovereignty over myself... I feel lost not knowing where I'm heading... I am scared to death because I am not in charge of my circumstances!

Maybe I've been crying the past days because my life has swerved to a ditch and I can't get out. Maybe I've been feeling empty because I've been spoiled in the past and I've forgotten how to be grateful for the small things that really matter. Maybe I just needed to cry to let go of all these pent up emotions I've been holding and hiding from everyone. It felt good. Letting a dam of anger, frustration, depression, anxiety get out off your chest, really helps.

Listening to today's preaching made me remember God's goodness and faithfulness. How He chose us not because we deserved it, not because we've worked for it, but just because He wanted to and He loves us.

I once prayed: "...give me a heart like David, a heart that's humble and hopeful to seek God's healing over his baby, acknowledging that the baby was not pleasing to God; a heart that's trusting and open to God's will that he was able to praise God in his time of sorrow". Then my sister died. I mourned for more than ten years and I still have to learn to praise God again, the way I used to, and the way God deserve to be praised. I don't think I'm there yet.

God is in control, no matter what weather we face. I may doubt my future but I could never doubt God's faithfulness and wisdom.

I pray for God's forgiveness- for dwelling in my pain and for dwelling in my past. Please forgive me for despairing over what I don't have and not rejoicing on what I do have. I am sorry for doubting Your plans for my life and for not trusting You. Lord, help me take comfort in knowing that You are in control.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

Hebrew 11:1

12.31.23

Yesterday was the last day of 2023. And it came down to 1 2 3 1 2 3. While I don't think there's some meaning to the numbers, I think some sees it kinda special because it's not everyday we get a combination like that.

Some coined the day a "total reset", and why not? The last day fell on a Sunday which, in a week's calendar, is the last day. A day to to end the week and to rest. The first day of the year fell on a Monday- the first day of the week, the first day of the month, the first day of the year 2024! For those who have New Year's resolution, it's definitely a good date. A good reset.

As I sit here in front of the TV watching a replay of last night's World Junior Hockey Championship, still sleepy, still tired from the past days buying, cooking, baking and partying... I can't help but think the year that was.

Personally, 2023 was probably a difficult year for me. Yes, I had a good summer job but coming back to Edmonton didn't prepare me for some changes .

I loved my job at Revelstoke. The GM and owner of the hotel/resort was so impressed with my work that he asked me to stay and train newly hired front desk agents. As much as I would love to accept the offer, I was a bit concerned with the winter housing accommodation as well as the low season. I had to leave earlier than planned.

How I wish I accepted the offer and stayed in Revelstoke because coming back has brought me so much headaches, not to mention back pains! 😝 Imagine coming home only to find out that our house was already sold and that we needed to move in two weeks!😮 The moving was so rushed and stressful I don't know how I survived those weeks.

The last quarter of the year also brought some bad news... Christine Sinclair announced her retirement 😢 ... KathNiel broke up 💔 ... my dad's cancer grew bigger and there were more spots on his last x-ray, and my mom is getting worse.

There were more bad news that I don't think I could share here and now but they came like cannonballs, one bad news after another it felt like I was punched in the gut.

Just like Job, who lost everything in a day, I felt like the world crumbled around me. But unlike Job, who didn't deserve the misfortunes thrown at him, I think I deserve some of the problems I'm facing. I made some bad decisions.

It's not easy to accept that I am going through a lot right now and there are more days than not that I let myself wallow in depression, but as a follower of Christ, I know I'm surviving because of Him. I know He carries me when I can't go on. I know He wakes me up every morning and send me sunshine and beautiful skies to brighten my day. I have a roof over me, clothes to wear, food to eat, good health. What more could I ask for?

"Second, give me neither poverty nor riches! Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the LORD?” And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God's holy name." Proverbs 30-7-9

Last year was dreadful to say the least, but I trust that this new year would be better, if not the best. Just like what Buster Moon sang "When you've reached rock bottom, there's only one way to go, and that's up!" 😊

So, farewell 2023! Thank you for the lessons learned. Hello 2024! Can't wait to have new adventures, meet new people and visit new -and probably old places!

“For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

The Road to Revelstoke

I really thought that this summer, I would be spending time in Edmonton with my family. But God has a different plan for me. Just when I thought God closed two doors of job opportunities, He opened one door so wide, I can't missed it!

Just like everyone else, I always look for companies that are established and known for their brand. I won't mention the companies I applied for but one is in the middle of an island! I love the place so much and the idea of working there that I've decided it would be my next stop despite the job and the pay. But after a questionnaire they sent me, I never heard from them again. 😞

The second hotel that showed interest set up an interview right away. After two or three days, they asked me if I'm still interested and they will be sending me a job offer. At that time, I was still hoping for another company, the third hotel, to give me a second interview and hopefully offer me a job.

This third hotel that I was hoping to work at, was in Alberta, 3 hours or so drive from Edmonton! That was the selling point for me! I can always go home and visit my family on my days off. I had an interview with them, right after the first interview with the second hotel and was scheduled for a second one when they emailed me that they've decided to hire somebody else. 😞 😞

Now, going back to that second hotel, they stopped emailing me after they told me they will send me an offer letter. After two weeks have gone by with nothing from them I knew I didn't get the job. Or so I thought...

Because on the third week, I finally got another email from them! A job offer indeed but I had to email it back to them, signature and everything, the very next day with a bus ticket receipt to Revelstoke! I think they want to see how serious I was.

I knew that with the bus ticket request, I might have a problem and true enough, it was impossible for me to take a 10-hour bus ride, three transfers with no advance booking! That would be too much for me who would be travelling with one set of luggages. After checking all the possible routes, I knew I won't make it. So, the following day, I emailed them the dilemma I was facing. I told them it is impossible to take three buses with no security that I will connect and not get stranded somewhere I am not familiar with. I apologized and declined the job offer.

Once again, I accepted that I won't be working anywhere and started contemplating on what to do or more important, seek what God wanted me to do.

I honestly couldn't believe that they emailed back and offered to pick me up if I'd take a flight to Kelowna! I checked the links that they provided, My sister, knowing I could be cash strapped offered her credit card and I was so grateful for that. But when God opens a door, He really opens it wide! I checked my bank account and I was surprised to see money enough for my fare and with some extra to spare! I can't believe it!

After all these years of being a Christian, it still amazes me when God would shower me with blessings. Of course, the first thing I did was to give my 10% tithes, as little as it may be. But that's one thing I've learned from my Pastor about tithing, shout out to Pastor James Jimenez who has taught me so much when I was just starting to walk with the Lord.

So, that same night, I was able to accept the job offer and book a flight!

Thank You, Lord! Your timing is always impeccable! Always perfect!

The days that follow were kinda blurry as I had to rush preparing the clothes and stuff I needed to bring. I had to have last minute visits to the mall to buy supplements and what-have-yous that I thought I needed. If I could buy even one month supply of food, I would because it's less expensive in Alberta! We don't have additional taxes as compared to BC!

Boy I was so glad to have booked an evening flight because I still needed more time to do some preps.

When my cab arrived, Oreo was crying, I had to go back twice to kiss her. I wish I could stay but I had to go 💔

Unlike the last time, when I was going to Fairmont Hot Springs and was extremely excited, this time was different, my heart was heavy. I even cried on the plane. I don't know why. I feel like I really wanted to stay home, with my parents, sister and Oreo. I wasn't as excited as before.

I guess, we keep changing. Our mind, our thoughts, our views, our feelings... I think it's inevitable. Change, that is. I may need to write about that soon...

So, yeah, that's my journey to a new workplace where I am, once again, meeting new friends, making new memories, building new life, and being me, the way the Lord created me!

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD,

'plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11