Reset.

After two long months, my dad had his last day of radiation yesterday! Yehey! 🎉

We still have to go back mid-February and March for follow up but yesterday, we've decided to kind of celebrate with some Chinese food! 😀 No cooking for me! Woohoo!

My head had been filled with so many ideas and I have been waiting for this day so I could start all my projects!

But my body had other plans. I am exhausted.

It's been days now that I've had bouts of vertigo. Last Friday, my dad had to go alone to the hospital because everything around me was just spinning! I thought, today would be better and I even woke up really late but, no. I know it's not Covid because I still have my appetite and I don't have other symptoms. Right?... I hope so. I'm sure, I don't have the virus. LOL

I'm not just exhausted physically. I'm mentally drained.

Let's talk. Yes. Please.

I have been battling PTSD for the past years now and it's been hard. It was hard not knowing. But it doesn't make it easier knowing. It's better, though, because now I'm aware of it and have been getting help.

Which is why I'm talking. Or writing.

I've never really talked to my family about it. I would sometimes kind of joke about it, but never really discussed it. I never told them about my visits to my therapist... until I started leaving my schedule cards on my dresser where my sister could see. I can't bother my mom, who has Alzheimers, nor my dad who's got cancer and I'm not comfortable talking to my sister. But I know she knew.

Still, I feel alone most of the time. My dad's daily trips to the hospital forced me to cancel my bi-weekly meeting with my therapist. I have materials I could read and sites I could visit but it's not the same.

This is the reason why I have this blog. I need to write. I need an outlet. I need a venue to share my thoughts, my fears, my pain, my joy, my dreams.

Yes, my dreams, I have dreams. I still dream. My therapist said it's good that I have dreams. It will help me keep going. And that's the plan.

I want to keep going. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. Even when my mind torments me with unknown fears and this suffocating pain leaves me gasping, I will go on. I can go on.

Why? Because everyday, I'm reminded of God's promises. When I wake up, I look out my window and I see the day breaking and I'm reminded of His faithfulness. When I eat my breakfast, I'm filled with His provisions. When there's snowstorm outside, I am warm and safe at home and I feel His protection... What else do I need that He can't provide? Even with my dad and mom's condition, I trusts Him.

So, tonight, before I go to sleep, I will give thanks for all His blessings. And tomorrow, I will say thanks for another chance in life.

Good night, world.

“And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning. And you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security. “ Job 11:17–19